Tim Heart

Playing With Telemarketers

• I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
• ME:Hello.
• AT&T:Hello, this is AT&T.
• ME:Is this AT&T.
• AT&T:Yes, this is AT&T …
• ME:This is AT&T.
• AT&T:Yes, this is AT&T …
• ME:Is this AT&T.?
• AT&T:Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?
• ME:May I ask who is calling?
• AT&T:This is AT&T.
• ME:OK, hold on.
• At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
• ME:Hello?
• AT&T:Is this Mr. Byron?
• ME:May I ask who is calling, please?
• AT&T:Yes, this is AT&T …
• ME:This is AT&T?
• AT&T:Yes, this is AT&T …
• ME:The phone company.
• AT&T:Yes, sir.
• ME:I thought you said this was AT&T.
• AT&T:Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
• ME:I already have a phone.
• AT&T:We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
• ME:Now, that’s 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
• AT&T:(getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!
• ME:7 days a week.?
• AT&T:That’s right.
• ME:365 days a year.?
• AT&T:Yes, sir.
• ME:I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
• AT&T:We think so!
• ME:That’s quite a sum of money!
• AT&T:Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
• ME:OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
• AT&T:Excuse me?
• ME:You know, the 10 cents a minute.
• AT&T:What are you talking about?
• ME:You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
• AT&T:Oh, no, sir. I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
• ME:Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute, that I’ll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
• AT&T:No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for
• ME:THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
• AT&T:Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.
• ME:I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
• AT&T:Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
• At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
• SUPERVISOR:Mr. Byron?
• ME:Yeah.
• SUPERVISOR:I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
• ME:Is This A T &T?
• SUPERVISOR:Yes, sir, it sure is.
• ME:(I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
• SUPERVISOR:Ok, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
• ME:Thank you.
• I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
• AT&T:Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?
• ME:No, but I was wondering - do you have that “Friends and Family” thing because I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…
• AT&T: *click*